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retreat

2 February 2014

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My friends, I have been in retreat mode. I couldn’t blog the past two weeks and pretend that everything was normal. I had to be in the phases of shock, grief, fear, anger and self-preservation. A scary incident left me really wobbly. There have been tears, mind jumbles of replayed and rehashed moments, such deep pain that comes with deep love and care, trembling hands, eyes straining as I search for the feared, and a racing heartbeat. In my hardest times I pull back and rely on just a few of my nearest and dearest. My husband has literally held me up in these most emotional days, talking to me, standing by my side, keeping me fed. At the time, I was held by a friend as I collapsed on the ground in breathless shock and totally non-self-conscious sobs in public. It is hard to trust many with my deepest vulnerabilities, especially when that has led to hurt and betrayal before. But I’m proud of myself for reaching out just a little beyond that comfort sphere – it felt good to have a little team fighting so willingly and strongly for me and checking in on me. It had a twisty, complicated playing out but it is now resolved and I can work on confidently striding out again. It is nothing to do with my eyes but certainly such a shock pulls all the vulnerabilities of disability into a temporary, anxiety-filled spotlight. I intentionally write temporary there, because I choose not to be permanently victimised. In the words of a beautiful, supportive faraway friend “Courage can be shaken but not removed”. Sure, a period of insecurity is allowed and even healthy – I allow and forgive myself the bumps. But always I believe in myself that with the gift of time; words of clarity flowing in my mind, heart and ears; the letting go manifesting with each deep breath of a soothing walk, restoring nap or a comforting hug, recovery and indeed thriving will follow.

Here’s some words and images I’ve devoured lately…

Brittania by Latitudes Longitudes Mag

This I Know – Notes On Unravelling The Heart by Susannah Conway

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

The Blue Zones by Dan Buettner

A magical 2014 personal workbook

5 things to do in emotionally tough times

Freezing Fog by Rowdy Kittens

How To Write according to different authors

Stubborn Gladness with Elizabeth Gilbert

How to Help Others via Cup of Jo

Less Is More in writing

First Snow by Hei Astrid

11 Responses
  1. February 2, 2014

    Oh, dearest Lucent, I am so saddened by your fright and am sending lots of hugs (from me and karma) for your healing. And I know, when the time is right, you will be leaping as you did in fabulous photo during your travels. I have missed your presence here and was worried that something was amiss. It is so good that your family and those close to you are caring for you during this time. You are in my thoughts.

  2. February 3, 2014

    So sorry to hear that you have been having such a bad time of it lately – I suppose that in life we sometimes have to have things happen that are hard to bear and can only hope that this will help us appreciate the good things when they arrive – life is full of contrasts. I enjoyed looking through all the links I am sure that in some way or other they all helped you get through this.

  3. February 3, 2014

    Lucent you have a generous heart. I am so sorry you are suffering, but so touched that in the midst of it you think to share things which have helped you. I am working my way through your list and am pleased to have found This I Know….have sent for the book! I am sure many of your readers make up another ‘little team’ rooting for you.

  4. February 6, 2014

    So sorry to hear that you have had a scary incident, which has affected you so much. Sending you hugs and strength. Sarah x

  5. Megan permalink
    February 6, 2014

    Oh Lucent what a dreadful experience you have had but you are the embodiment of that wonderful quote by your friend: “Courage can be shaken but not removed.”
    Now that you have been through that roller-coaster of emotions brought about by the incident and have allowed those who love you to give comfort you are emerging and indeed will thrive. Sending you a big hug.

  6. February 7, 2014

    Sending all my love and more your way.

    x Jasmine

  7. February 9, 2014

    You are the most inspiring woman I know. Thinking of you x

  8. February 10, 2014

    Oh, how sorry I am to read this news. I love your positive outlook and the fact that you found the strength to reach out a little when you really needed it. I have troubles letting people in sometimes but am learning more and more that I can do that with those I love & trust.

    Take care.

    Clare xx

  9. February 11, 2014

    I can only hope you will be able to work through this and come out stronger; hugs from here and looking forward to your usual cheerful self despite it all x

  10. February 14, 2014

    Patiently waiting for your return. Hoping you are finding peace within and around yourself.

  11. February 25, 2014

    I love it how, in the face of turmoil, you radiate with such optimism and strength. As with all you blogging friends, I know you are going to come out stronger!

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