a very rare wave of fear
afternoon light in our bedroom
I’ve spent too much time in bed this month for my liking. Ever since I started medication for my second eye condition Cystoid Macular Oedema, it appears to have aligned with an increase in health complications. We can’t be sure that it’s a contributor or solely responsible, but I want to try find out. After finding myself in bed for four days for the second time this month, in a lot of pain and unable to keep food in my body, I have reached frustration point. If I wasn’t so tired or sore I would have cried by now.
I think you all know me well enough by now that I am a very happy and positive person and I know how incredibly lucky I am. I am embracing life with all I can. Even the occasional flat day – I know it will end, so I accept it, rest and get up again. I’ve been contemplating all the suspects for my stomach problems which simply cannot go on like this, as I cannot lose the weight or afford malnourishment. I find myself at a potential crossroad of using drugs that do what they’re supposed to do in tempering the swelling in one of my eye conditions, but dealing with side effects that at times really affect the quality of my life. Going off them is the last option as the fear of opening myself to further eye conditions and irreversible complications is just too damn scary.
In that consideration, I felt a very very rare wave of fear come over me about the future of my blindness.
I’m still standing here (ok, so right now I’m lying with a heat pack on my back, but you get my sentiment) in a warrior pose ready to take this on. With thoughtful, analytical, systematic steps. With consideration of all outcomes. With doctor visits. And with the love and support of beautiful people. A friend who texts to see how I’m feeling. Another who shares all she can of her professional knowledge and wishes she could help more. A mother who wants to make it all go away in a second, and if love could do it, it would vanish. A husband who has walked our dog, heated my heat packs, kept me hydrated, rubbed my back, discussed action plans and been a nurturing angel.
Yeah, come on. Try and beat me. Challenges, schmallenges… it’s what I do. And get a little nervous, because I’m good at it. And I got back up.
Just let me have a little nap first, ok?